106 Year Old Soul Searching

A fog of uneasiness decended upon me this afternoon as I realized that I haven't accomplished any of my goals in the last month. While I have a vague notion of what I want to do here, all I have going for me right now is a role in a dinner theater role as a stereotypical 106 year old chinese great grandmother. This is disturbing because the role requires a Chinese accent and acting skills. I possess neither. The character development process has left me making funny faces at my reflection in the subway and muttering "velly velly goo-de". Also, I've been doing a little soul searching for grandma. What is a 106 old woman who's seen the fall of the Qin Dynasty, the May Fourth movement, the rise of Republican era, the ups and downs of the Mao era, and the super-development phase of the last 25 years like? Not that she needs be so believable as mere slapstick comedy relief, but I can't help it.

I realized I wasn't sure about my motivation as me, the 24 year old. I know where I've been and I have a sense of where I'm going but somehow it has become so selfishly about me, myself, and I. I found myself wading dangerously close to the deep end last night, as I unconsciously revealed some paternalistic attitudes toward the public health system in China. How did I suddenly decide what was right and what was wrong? In a wee morning conversation about my current favorite saying about good intentions, "Wicked" the musical, and corrupting young minds, Kemin reminded me that we live in a world of perceptions and perspectives. Who's right and who's wrong can often depend on where (even when) you are standing. We live in this binary world of 1's and 0's, yes and no, day and night, female and male, black and white, yin and yang, and right and wrong. I always know that theoretically my universe is that of spectrums, periods, orbits, pendulums, full circles, black holes, and that undefinable range of time that we always label twilight, but it takes effort to remain in the shadowy infinite plane of grays. Regretfully, when I get tired, I find myself retreating back into the cave of simple light and shadow. Rather than bemoaning them, I need to face my fears and embrace the complexities in my life.

As for Kerry, people say he doesn't take a position, but perhaps he actually faces the reality of our complex world. Bush's good vs evil world exists only on paper and in his incomprehensible speeches. While people feel better with simple conviction, we do ourselves a diservice by denying that the world is a complicated place with complicated problems that usually require complicated solutions.